Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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