she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
