why didn't you poke me back
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
a search helicopter?!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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