I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
