I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
