is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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