Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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