I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
