best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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