the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
he just fucked me for my cheese.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
