Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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