Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
