Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
