My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just high enough for therapy.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
