; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
