you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
