Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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