Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
