Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
