he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
