Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
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Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.