Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dating After Heartbreak
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him