he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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