Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
