is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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