just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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