my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
