what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
