Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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