I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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