Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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