I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
