I wish my penis had an off switch
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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