Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
