So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
