Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
