Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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