Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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