she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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