well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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