she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize