OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
