If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
