I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
