I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you will always have a special place in my vag
it glows. i had to have it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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