Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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