Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
