I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
