I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
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