my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood