well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I will be naked everywhere
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.