But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
