well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
