i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Moan for me like Helen Keller
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't think brook has ever known best
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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