i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
