New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
