I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Randomize
