I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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