if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
