hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
